Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Day 1127 - This just in -- Criminal Speeding ticket droped - -
Well I spent a good two hours in court today. Plead not guilty, talked to the prosecuter, and got the charges droped to a standard civil trafic violation. End result is my dumb ass had to shell out $266 of my not so hard earned money to pave a fucking road or whatever the hell it is they do with our money. I am truly a moron though. I mean that was just retarded, irresponsible, and all together stupid. I wasted time, money, emotion, ughh. Well I hope I learned my lesson.
Met with the new sponse yersterday too, he's kick ass. I'm getting started going through a workbook called the Big Book awakening, I am looking forward to a thoughough spiritual roto router. I could realy use a good flushing of all this crap that's been festering. I'm sure it's alot of the same shit I can't see, like resentments, fear, and general selfish prick shit. not to say I'm a bad guy, i'm not. I'm just a work in progress. made great strides, but I know that i've only mad a begining, and I can see that I'm further ahead in my recovery than alot of people who don't take this shit seriously, but I don't want what they have, it's the guys and gals with 20 years that have what I want. so i want to do whatever it takes (well within reason of course, have to have measure something, god forbid i should surrender every area of my life completely) to get to where they are. any way. happy thanksgiving, i'm ungreatful for everything in my life, yet I will live, laugh, and love today, oh, wait, maybe I am greatful, fuck, GODDAMIT!
Met with the new sponse yersterday too, he's kick ass. I'm getting started going through a workbook called the Big Book awakening, I am looking forward to a thoughough spiritual roto router. I could realy use a good flushing of all this crap that's been festering. I'm sure it's alot of the same shit I can't see, like resentments, fear, and general selfish prick shit. not to say I'm a bad guy, i'm not. I'm just a work in progress. made great strides, but I know that i've only mad a begining, and I can see that I'm further ahead in my recovery than alot of people who don't take this shit seriously, but I don't want what they have, it's the guys and gals with 20 years that have what I want. so i want to do whatever it takes (well within reason of course, have to have measure something, god forbid i should surrender every area of my life completely) to get to where they are. any way. happy thanksgiving, i'm ungreatful for everything in my life, yet I will live, laugh, and love today, oh, wait, maybe I am greatful, fuck, GODDAMIT!
Monday, November 24, 2003
DAY 1125 - God damn how time flies when you're an asshole full of self pity and depression
well thank you to L. for writing to me and waking me up. I have just been feeling sorry for myself and busy at work. I can realy be such a baby. Let see things that have happened since I last wrote: 1. Got a criminal speeding ticket doing 72 in a 45. this one should be quite the pricey lesson. go to courtt wednesday and will fill us all in. 2. got pissed off and resentful yet again at a god damned meeting. some soberer than thou fuck talking about his fucking spiritual guru shit, after I mention the fact that I feel like i tread water sometimes, go to the gym and the eat ice cream, or pray and meditate then jerk off to porn. fuck him, i'm who I am, any way, i just don't think rich married guys get to talk about how poor lonely single guys should or shoudn't cope with their lives. 3. sport fucked a good friend, worst sex ever, yuck, still feel stupid as hell about that one. traded depression and self pity for guilt shame and remorse, didn't make me feel better, just different, ahh fuck it. 4. got elected GSR of my home group. Wow, still sober, sponsoring guys, got a new sponsor who i'm meeting with tomorrow to sit and chat and what not. oh and that fucking tramp I was fucking back in august or whenever the hell it was is fucking one of my firends now, and the 33 year old woman I love is all fucked up and still seeing her dick head x boyfriend, no wonder I think god is a ruthless prick. well not quite ruthless, but still a prick, and not all the time, but I just don't quite understand the system.so any questions?
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Slick rick is getting freed!!!
Hurrah!! Of all the infamous injustices of the US government; this one was on the top of MY list. Free Ricky!
Day 1106 - Tobacco 400,000, Alcohol 100,000, ephedra 80
What the fuck is wrong with this country? Ephedra deaths
The FDA is all over 80 fucking ephedra related deaths yet we still have easy access to the two leading causes of death when it comes to unnecessary shit in our lives. That is fucked up. Hell cheese burgers kill more people a year. And I'm not an ephedra fan, I don't use it at all, it's not part of what I do, but still pisses me off that this is the type of stupid shit we spend money on. What a crock of shit.
The FDA is all over 80 fucking ephedra related deaths yet we still have easy access to the two leading causes of death when it comes to unnecessary shit in our lives. That is fucked up. Hell cheese burgers kill more people a year. And I'm not an ephedra fan, I don't use it at all, it's not part of what I do, but still pisses me off that this is the type of stupid shit we spend money on. What a crock of shit.
Monday, November 03, 2003
Day 1105,
Here is an email I sent to R, she's struggling right now, I hope this can help anyone who comes accross my site.
I went to a memorial service on Saturday for one of my best friends. His older brother was 22 and died of a Heroin overdose last Friday. Friends and family all pulled together last weekend and did car washes on Saturday and Sunday to raise money for his service. It was beautiful, at least 150 -200 people were there. They put this poem on the memorial program:
Don't grieve for me for now I'm free.
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call.
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I've found that peace at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's be full I've savored much,
Good times, good friends, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undo grief.
Life up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, he set me free.
We all have opportunities to live beautiful lives. Lives that we couldn't have planned, if only we are going to get out of the way. Our fear, our grief, resentment, worry, pride, ambition, arrogance, etc. all get in the way of us being guided to our destiny. Please have faith and trust. You have gone down into the deepest and darkest depth of life that very few do. And of those that go down almost none make it back. But you made it back, and then continued to climb. You've stood on high vistas and looked out over pastures and meadows, and saw the splendid glory of life. And then you looked up and say you could climb higher, and so you did. And while climbing you went into a crevasse and couldn't see anything, only rock and struggle surrounded you. You couldn't see where you had been, where you were, or where you were going, only that there was work to be done. Faced with this your faith told you to keep climbing, and you came out of that hole, a hole on a high mountain, to find that it had only been a slight dip an ever increasing slope, and you thought "why did I almost quit?". And the view was spectacular, and you knew joy and you new peace, but then would come the moment, the one where you looked down to where you came from, were grateful for where you were, and then you looked up to where you had to go ....
I went to a memorial service on Saturday for one of my best friends. His older brother was 22 and died of a Heroin overdose last Friday. Friends and family all pulled together last weekend and did car washes on Saturday and Sunday to raise money for his service. It was beautiful, at least 150 -200 people were there. They put this poem on the memorial program:
Don't grieve for me for now I'm free.
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call.
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I've found that peace at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's be full I've savored much,
Good times, good friends, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undo grief.
Life up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, he set me free.
We all have opportunities to live beautiful lives. Lives that we couldn't have planned, if only we are going to get out of the way. Our fear, our grief, resentment, worry, pride, ambition, arrogance, etc. all get in the way of us being guided to our destiny. Please have faith and trust. You have gone down into the deepest and darkest depth of life that very few do. And of those that go down almost none make it back. But you made it back, and then continued to climb. You've stood on high vistas and looked out over pastures and meadows, and saw the splendid glory of life. And then you looked up and say you could climb higher, and so you did. And while climbing you went into a crevasse and couldn't see anything, only rock and struggle surrounded you. You couldn't see where you had been, where you were, or where you were going, only that there was work to be done. Faced with this your faith told you to keep climbing, and you came out of that hole, a hole on a high mountain, to find that it had only been a slight dip an ever increasing slope, and you thought "why did I almost quit?". And the view was spectacular, and you knew joy and you new peace, but then would come the moment, the one where you looked down to where you came from, were grateful for where you were, and then you looked up to where you had to go ....
