Convict, Addict, Alcoholic

whateva man. Life is just moving on. I don't get it. I don't know if God is this directing guiding being that has a personal interest in my life, or if it's like Tao and energy and a guiding force that gives strength to stay ok through the hard times. I can't really see the "I'm GOD and I'm in charge of your life", but I can sense the Presence of something. I like the prayer "God remove everything I think I know about you and reveal yourself to me as you are". I need to know what the hell is going on, or want to know anyway. Shit like does God really have a plan for me? What is my destiny? It's all about the girl by the way. luvs out to all.

she asked me to write her a poem and this is what I said:

I met girl, just the other day,
she was more than I expected, more than I could be
seemed so hurt yet brave, as she stood with wanting eyes
longing for something more, something she deserves
something that she's given away,
and wonders why it's not returned
if only she could see, the past is holding on
but it only holds emptiness, and she could let it go
setting herself free, open to what the future holds
the hope that it may bring.

I never write when everything is ok, it's just too boring. So r. and I have been talking eachothers clothes off. Emailing back and forth too the point where I'm about to explode. We talked on the phone for over an hour last night. I just dig the shit out of her. her man neglects her a treats her like shit, I think it's ok for her to have someone like me on the side. I am so sick, for some reason I love the sound of My girlfriend's fiance, or better yet husband. I don't get it. If this fucko would just love her and treat her like she deserves to be she wouldn't be looking elsewhere for excitement. OR maybe she's just a manipulate horny girl who know exactly what she's doing. I don't know if I even care. peace.

I have to switch gears. It's tough. See when I thought something cool was going to happen with R. I was focused on her and kinda having the other two as backup plans, now I have to put her on the back and focus on the other two without ruining any future ops with R. See I've never really done this whole dating thing, like ever. I've just had a girl friend and then none, and then a girl, and then none, etc, etc. And now I'm exploring different avenues. Should I tell them I'm dating other women too? I don't get it. I don't want to lie and I don't want to fuck this up either.

God is fucked up, yep damn sure he's a sicko. I mean I never see it untill it's too late. No I'm just kidding. I am just frustrated by being single, being ok with it, then having women come on to me and then go away. I should elaborate. I'm a spoiled bitch. See I went out with K. twice and now we're going to spend the day together on sunday. J. hooked me up with her friend and I'm going out with her on Friday, but I really want R. because she just thumped me over the head and was like "you're cute wanna go out?" and I was like (in a cartman voice) "yeah I wanna go out". but I knew that one wasn't going to work because she's 33 and we all know I can't date someone close to my age or older. and she was on the rebound from a 5 year relationship. If any of you haven't heard Mark H.'s theater of the lie check it out and you'll know what I'm about to say is true. See when he left her she had all these pieces of self dying a way, and so the sex kitten, girlfriend, and other personalities were fighting for their existance and they spotted me. So they held on to me in a deparate attempt to make a reality that could justify thier existance. Now the fuck wants her back and I'm no longer necessary. I fucking hate the way that sounds and how insignifcant that makes me in her life, but that's the truth of it . to them: IM NO LONGER NECESSARY. but now the "I'm sober and have plutonic friends" ego has a use for me. But you know what? I have one to many friends and need to send out a pink slip, who's next! Actually this is all bull shit, I still have two dates this weekend, and I still may end up being really good friends with R. and I really don't give a fuck. Sober, employed, alive, and all that good shit. Fuck off! Love you guys! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

Ok ok ok... I need to write more. This seems to be the only place where I can say what I want to say, and not seek approval in your face while i'm sharring. Well I've been going to this meeting alot. I just want to see people. It's a popular meeting with a lot of young people, and a lot of women. So I want what they have ;) But for fucks sake the sobriety there is for shit. I mean every night it's about finding the right tool for whatever circumstance some schmuck has gotten herself/himself into. "how do you deal with tempation" "how do I set boundaries" "how do I get the fucking stick out of my ass?" at infinitum. It's bull shit, to think I need 150,000 ways of thinking to deal with each and every situation which comes up is fucking retarded and futile. I can't, he can, I'll let him. I'm the problem, I'M THE PROBLEM, not you, him, her, it, them ,"the man", the rain, the car, the tire, the dead dog, "my girlfriend's husband", the bill, the job that I'm stealing time from right now as i type", It's me (fucknut). and the solution isn't to change them, him, her, it, etc... or even me, I don't do it, GOD does. I surrender, I acknowledge the sittuation, my defects, whatever, and ask god to help, do what needs to be done within me in order for me to best serve him. Damn 1,000,000 symptoms of 1 problem with 1 solution. Well I'll be damned. Much luv.