Convict, Addict, Alcoholic

ughh.... cold/flu crap sick. no writing for week plus... must type more words. any whoo still alive and kick'n. Had some relapse dreams and some mental twists about drinking and using. Feel wierd about that kinda shit. God's child, luv all. peace.

Passive Indifference - The blissful state of being achieved by just not giving a fuck. Not to say I'm complacent, I mean if it hurts stop, if it burns see a doctor. I just don't care, you're tailgating me, ok, hmm, let me save you those precious 10 seconds you'll never get back, and let you pass. Make cold calls at work, not make call, who cares? Sell, don't sell, who cares. I can always find a new job if I need to. I just feel better when I ask my self "How much will this matter in 5 years?" "how much would I pay for serenity?". Ahh, this feels good. I was watching that 70's show yesterday and hyde wa teaching jackie out to be zen. The two most important phrases are "whatever" (and like the big W valley girl "wat-ev-errr or hood rat "whateva", but the cool calm i don't care what so ever, monotone whatever) and "That's cool" (with ambiguty, like do you want to hang out? ,"that's cool", so do i mean , that's cool but no, or that's cool let's go?) so anyway, that's cool. Whatever.

"The healing is in the sharing" - Bull shit! It depends on what we're sharing. Don't come to meetings and "get real" with where you're at. I could care less with what dumb shit you're going through because of your self-will and selfish perspectives on life. Call your friends and your sponsor. Go to a fucking therapist. Come to a meeting and talk about God and the Steps. Becuase if you need to organize your feelings and circumstance to put you in a better position so that you can stay sober, you are not going to make it. Try it, try letting go, that's it, just ask god to remove the difficulty, ahhh ohhh that's nice, see how he works, ok now tell someone how you were being a whinny feely bitch today, and weren't taking god willed actions and then you ask him for guidence and strength and now it's all better. That's right instead of getting a daily reprieve from life with drugs and alcohol, you get a daily reprieve from drugs and alcohol, and no longer need to escape from life. It's your thing, ow!! do what your gunna do.

Damn I want to take more time to keep this updated. Let's see where'm I at today? I still hate my job. but that's ok. I started goin back to the 10:08 I like it up there. it's a cool meeting, i like the people there, i feel closer to god. i've also done the 3rd and 7th step prayers 2 mornings in a row. I am starting to come out of the funk. I'm really tired but I think if i keep doing more of the program my life will get more manageable. That's how it usually seems to work out (this keyboard seems a little small) . I still hate pathway. I wish I didn't , but I do, i think they are majorly fucked up. I don't want to resent them, i don't really know how to get over this. It's not that their program doesn't help people. but their cookie cutter approach to sobriety is just not right. I need to pray for them to keep growing and helping people, and hope that the ones that need it find it and the ones that cant or won't do it their way find a better fit fo themselves. I'm off to the meeting. I hope to write a bit more tomorrow night. We'll see how this goes. God is closer to me, or i'm closer to god, yep I moved not god, i know that's true. I pray I continue to move closer to him. I pray my heart can be open, and my ego can step aside, long enough for him to do hi work in me. Free me of the bondage of self. free me of me so I can be who you would have me be, if you can use me today god, guide me, direct me, and give me the strength to do your will. I love you.