Convict, Addict, Alcoholic

Equals
From "What is sponsorship?"

"Alcoholics Anonymous began with
sponsorship. When Bill W., only a few
months sober, was stricken with a powerful
urge to drink, this thought came to him:
'You need another alcoholic to talk to. You
need another alcoholic just as much as he
needs you!'
"He found Dr. Bob, who had been trying
desperately and unsuccessfully to stop
drinking, and out of their common need A.A.
was born. The word 'sponsor' was not used
then; the Twelve Steps had not been written;
but Bill carried the message to Dr. Bob,
who in turn safeguarded his own sobriety
by sponsoring countless other alcoholics.
"In A.A., sponsor and sponsored meet as
equals, just as Bill and Dr. Bob did."

c. 1983, Questions & Answers on Sponsorship
(A.A. Pamphlet P-15), page 7

Hmm... Well today seems to have been rather unproductive. I managed to go to work, pretend like I accomplished something, was actually of service to my co-workers(need to mention that in sales, being of service to my co-workers and doing nothing to build my own sales is rather retarded), went to the pool at my apartment on my extended lunch break (oh yeah should also mention that my supervisor is out today), and other than that I've spent time doing a little prayer and meditation. I have a lot of fear right now. I'm turning 28 on Thursday, I've never been this old before (keen eye for the obvious, dumbass). I don't live by the "sober" principles that some of my peers from treatment live by. I was never really into their principles, and so a lot of them that have more time sober than me are graduating (after me, why I got out before them I'll never know, maybe they thought to themselves "this is about all we can do with this sick fuck, might as well see what happens if we let him out to the real world", so I get out of treatment after 20 months, and some of these douche bags are sober like 3 and 4 years and just getting out, maybe they're sicker than me, who knows, that's besides the point) The point is I'm scared of what they'll think of me. I like porn and chicken. I like the man show(the old ones with adam and jimmy), I like fucking inanimate objects (hey if chicks can regularly talk about their dildos and battery operated assistants, and they even get to do the running bathwater thing too) I can talk about rubber gloves and other assorted synthetic vaginal substitutes. It all comes down to sex I think anyway. I'm very open and loose (not like that you sickos) and they seem to be very tight and prude. I don't know why I care. I haven't been close to most of these kids ever (and yeah most of them are between 19 and like 22 or so) and the few I was close to I haven't been involved with in almost a year. I've gotten this far with out them so what's the big fucking deal. Last night I hung out with a few and just told them who I was. I hope they can accept me without judgment and prejudice. I hope to be able to accept them in the same ways. I don't care about anything but first things first, being sober is about not dying one day at time. We do this long enough and being sober gets turned into all kinds of other things, that are fine and dandy and great and cool, but when I think about what makes me happy and fills my voids (even in the short term quick fixes) I could really care less. I think anything on top of a pulse is a bonus. When you've been kidnapped, robed at gun point, over $50,000 in debt and locked up for 18 months you get a different perspective on what's really important. I'm not going to live my life wondering about all the I wish I would have done thats. I'm going to regret the things I do, sure, but It's the things I'm to scared to do I'm going to regret more. I don't want to hear, well then aren't you scared to use? Well kinda, but not so much, see I've already been down that road, a lot. So there's no real wondering "I wonder what that'd be like". I know what getting high is like, now I want to experience life, not opinion it.

http://www.rose-hulman.edu/news/articles/usnews04.htm. I graduated with a BS in Computer Engineering from this place. I was in the upper half of my class, and I was imbibed with some sort of substance the majority of the time I was the there. Does this mean I'm incredibly smart or the rest of the world is monumentally incompetent intellectually.

It's like I am constantly giving myself enemas with my cranium. I seem to like it for some reason. And I don't just pull my head out of my ass, I push it further in trying to turn myself inside out. Actuall I just wanted to write about something, it really hasn't been that bad. I fucked up my back on monday at the gym and have been resting. I want to get out and about but I just don't seem to have a whole lot of energy. I'm making myself go tonight. I read an old (april 2003) issue of the grapevine last night and it really helped me feel better. I like my cult. It makes me all warm and fuzzy. There was some neat stuff about relaxing with sponsorship, and I'm open minded, I don't think one sponsor fits all. I think I can lead someone through the steps, but I can't push someone through them. Some people will work under the "DO YOUR STEPS OR DIE FUCKER!!!" other's need a little softer approach something more like "DO YOUR STEPS OR DIE!!", see kinder and gentler. I don't know if these people will die if they don't work the steps, all I know is that had I not done them, I wouldn't have wanted to stay sober myself. Wanted to want it, i did the work, and still do, and now I love being sober(for the most part). well beck to work i go.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You only have to change one thing when you get sober :everything. I'm saying all that in a "I'm a fucking dumb ass gomer" voice. You know I fucking hate the self-righteous, judgmental, egg-shell sobriety school. These prude fucks need to take the god damn yard stick out of their asses and measure themselves. If I'm trudging the "Road of Happy Destiny" then I want Happy Destiny St. to be on the fucking Audubon. Let's ride baby.
so·ber:
1. Habitually abstemious in the use of alcoholic liquors or drugs; temperate.
2. Not intoxicated or affected by the use of drugs.

I would deduce from the definition of sober, that sober behavior is behaving while sober. I don't particularly like the fact that I fill voids with sex, porn, strippers, food, rage, sarcasm, laziness, and on and on and on. But fuck off if you think that anything other than drinking will get you drunk. And fuck off if you think anything other than a consciouss contact with a God of my understanding will keep me from drinking. If you think "If I did that I'd get drunk" you have one week ass higher power. I mean what a pussy of a god you're working with if he can't/won't keep you sober through the best and worst of times, and from the best to the worst behavior. If you're sober and free, act like it. Take off your clothes and go fuck in the streets for Christ's sake (not litterally for Christ, just an expression). I myself am in the driver seet, God's riding shot gun, going "If you turn down there, you're likely to hit a tree and get whiplash, but hey, what the hell is life all about anyway? Let's ride G!"

Great weekend, and now I'm back today. Yeah I can do more ranting. I did almost nothing yesterday and it was too cool. I know I can't be in the habit of doing nothing, but it was good for yesterday. I set up a few accounts on some singles sites, and I guess we'll see what happens next. I hope something pans out. I don't really have the money to take any out on an expensive date or anything, but it will be nice to meet some women with similar interests and what not. I haven't talked to C in over a week. I don't think she really wants to be friends. I put the ball in her court and I'll leave it there. If she wants to talk to me she knows how to get a hold of me. I was watching Sex and the City yesterday and I saw how those women can be. Ya'll can use men just as much as we use women. I just didn't see it coming. Well I am still not going to treat people like that. I'm not looking for just a fling and casual sex, I'll take it of course, but it's not where I want to be.

It's FRIDAY!!! I don't know how I woke up today. The alarm didn't go off or something. So I woke up wth like 3 minutes to get dressed and got to work on time. That was totally cool. I'm looking forward to this weekend. Last night my friends girl came over to hang out and she was trying to sleep with me! She was like "your a fucking tease, why;d you ask me to come over?" I was like, umm to like hang out, I'm not going to fool around with you, wour like on of my best friend's girls. What the fuck is that all about? I mean I get stalkers, sluts, and now just plain fucked up situations. I'm not mad at her, we talked about it, I was like whoooeee baby, you got to be kidding. She understands that she can't keep doing the same shit. So any way, I don't even have my eye on anyone anymore. It's kinda cool. I mean I would like to meet some body, but right now, I'm like what the fuck ever. My new song is almost finished, maybe when it's done I'll post a link. peace to the nation G.

I'm stuck. What do you do? Oh hell, I'll think of more to write on this later.

Work sucks. Going very slow today. I have to get out of my comfort zone. Any way everything seems ok. I need to get everything set up on match or someother singles site. need woman. Must find woman. oh well.

I'm really not in the mood to do anything right now. I'm sitting here at work accomplishing nada. Let's get a move on buddy. I really need to do something productive today.

I am running around in my head right now. It;s a rather fruitless journey, Round and round we go, where we stop, stutter, sputter, create flow dam! Good day, stayed sober, worked, worked out, did web site, saw TM. He needs to go get the girl,if your reading this sorry, but it's my site, my thoughts, my chaos. Howard's head where chaos is Tsar. Thoughts moving so quickly it's hard to grab one and put it down. Too much caffeine. Can't live without it. Makes me happy, makes me crazy... is there a difference? I suppose sleep will be fun to attempt. Good night sweetheart, whoever you are, wherever you are, God is preparing us for each other.

Time goes on and I keep stacking days together. 24 hours at a time. I heard that song by Garth or someother country singer "give me two pina coladas" last night and I thought "God that sounds good". I don't ever think about a drink here or there, but about just getting plain ol' fucked up. I don't know why there seems to be just a little piece of me missing all the time, well maybe sometimes, but I just know getting loaded will fix it. And that just sucks. Cuz normal people don't have that empty feeling inside and think "A drink will fix this, or maybe a few rocks, or a fat blunt ... " They just don't think that way. I'm sure they think "I'm going to party tonight and get TANKED! or today sucked, I need a drink." and they go and do just that have A drink. fuckers. not because they can have a drink, because they dont NEED 12 like I do. because they don't have the missing pieces, the hollow empty feeling I get from time to time to time. There's always something. I pray for God to direct my thinking and help me to be of use to others, I'm a slave to it, with out it I am so dead inside. The only real joy I hav is my usefulness to others. I don't know if it's such a bad thing, after being a leach for so long, maybe it's the least I can do. I was a fuck my whole life, so do I expect to be in the black in under 3 years. Grow up bitch.

For some strange reason I'm number one on Google when searching for addict alcoholic. Scary thought. I'm keeping an eye on the counter now to see if I get more hits. The ego is just blowing up. I'm Thinking I should go a little more anonymous. Yeah, probably a good idea. Who knows, I mean I air all my dirty laundry on this thing. What will they think of me? I'm still anonymous on the public level. If someone who knows me from the program reads what I'm writing and puts two and two together am I doing anything wrong? I just wonder if anyone will say anything to me. Guess we'll find out.

Just tired and worn out, don't want to be here. Only 8 more hours to go. I hate her too. Oh well, I guess better to get over her with resentment than continue to want her back. Fuck shit. oh well. time to make the dials.

Where to start... Doing laundry, getting tan, drinking coffee. I enjoy 2/3 on my list so far this morning. I was told that jounalling by hand was much more healing than by typing. I wonder if it's true. Let's see what I can find on the web .... Ahh, sounds like bull shit. Expression is expression. It's kinda like prayer, I don't think it matters if your on a rug or in bed or on your knees, it doesn't fucking matter. Any way. I want to C's patry for a minute and got a hug gave her her gift and moved on. I hung out with a couple of chick friends yesterday, along was one of their gay friends and onther strange couch surfin kid. Anyway the general concensus on the question of asking chicks out was "do I want to try to be their friend first?" It was 3 to 1 against trying for friendship. The logic was simply, "do you have enough friends?", "yes", well then you don't need one more, you're looking for a date, ask for a date, if you want a friend, ask for one. I like it. Wanna date?

Thanks D.!! A brown eyed handsome man is a link to his blog. Maybe I'll meet all these friends people say you can meet on the internet after all.

I'm so stoked right now. Of course I'm feeding my ego with this thing by putting a web counter on it. So I found out that Stilletto Philosophy had a link to me under my referers list. (If you come back by, thanks!) I know at least one person besides me is reading this crap. Well has read. I've been doing search engine submittals and whatever I can figure out to get a readership going. I hope to upgrade to blogger pro soon so I can have feedback. I have really strted to fall in love with the blogger community. When I first started I just wanted to rant about recovery and how cool things were. Then I had this emotional purging this past week and have bore my soul to the internet gods. I will hope to soon be back in tip top shape. Good time will be had by all.

This is what I'm talking about. All these little fucking sayings and songs telling me to take risks and live my life. Where's the woman out there for me. Who lives her life with a fever and a passion like I do. Some one who admires the sky and sunsets, nature, love, excitement. Debate, thought, cuddling. I find some that come close but are affraid of commitment or maybe it's just me. I'm tired of being a feely bitch.

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)

An all consuming, time stopping, dibilitation emotion. I get scared all the time. Just petrified. What am I going to do tonight at her party? See I can worry all day about something that I'll be at for maybe two hours, and it's like 12 hours away. There's nothing to worry about. You'll go to the party, wish her a happy birthday, meet some new people. Heck you don't have a clue how this will turn out. The worst thing that could happen is you still won't be together. Big deal. I know, there's just thet pit in my gut, that's turning over and over. I'm affraid of the finality. I hope that maybe we'll meet someone new tonight. And there's allways MH's party tomorrow night! Should be some freaks there. Back off. I have to get back to work. Call, ring ring ring, hello, click. Call, ring ring ring, click..... Coffee is my master, my muse, and my mainstay. Fairwell my friends we go off to a better place..

Some day... man. Some day... Why wait? hmm this calls for a haiku..

I once was in jail
lonely without my freedom
now free yet empty

her to me:

Ok you made me laugh…now that’s the howard I like much better. :)

her to me:

Does it make sense to me??? Um not really but whatever. What are you so confused about? I think your making this a bigger deal then what it is. You might see that has being selfish. For god sakes I do like you but I can't right know! What is so confusing about that? I would still email you if I had time, I have been really busy at work and w/ my mom and everything that is going on w/ that. SORRY YOU haven't received any attention!

me to her:

I'm just spoiled. Seriously, I'm sorry. I'm insecure and all this other bull shit, and you have real shit to deal with. I get so self-centered and try to make everything about me when things aren't my way. That's not your fault, or anything you should be sorry about. I feel like an ass. Anyway, forget about it. I'll see you tomorrow night. I hope everything is working out. If there's anything I can do (like not being so self-absorbed for starters) let me know.

Well I picked at the scab, let's see what happens next: (email conversation)

Me to her :
C,
Do you still want me to come to your shin-dig tomorrow?

Her to me:

Why are you asking me that? Howard your still my friend or so I thought? Yes and bring some friends.

Me to her:

I'm just real confused. When we first started hanging out you seemed so into me, and everything was cool. And then you were still calling me and emailing me, giving me attention. Then all of a sudden, boom. It just happened so fast, my head is still a little dizzy. I have my own shit to sort through too, and I guess I can make it seem like I have it all together. I don't. I'm still your friend, and being honest with you, but at times I feel a bit awkward. I don't know if any of this makes sense or not, but that's how it is.

Day 1017 - Well I'm back! Yes! Today I woke up very tired but not so fucked emotionally. I just prayed and thanked God and asked him to keep me sober and direct my thinking. I do remember an initial "if i started drinking all this(pain, fear, etc.) would go away", I got scared and prayed. But now I think about how true that phrase is. All this would go away: My job, my friends, my relationship with my family, my more-often-than-not emotional okness and serenity. I went to The Hiliter last night and had a blast. E's girl M. works there and payed for me all night. I had no cover, and then M told this girl to come sit with me. She was awesome!! It was my second time at a strip club and it was hot! This girl really had me. The first time I went to a club I had to convince myself to get into it, and it didn't work well. This girl just sat with me and cuddled, then rubbed my head (#1 guard length all around), and when she gave me dances she was a freak. She was kissing me, and licking my chest and shit, I don't know if she was into me or not, but damn she was worth all the money M spent on me, I tell you what. It's putting a smile on my face as we speak. She'll have me comming back for more, damn women }:) . My shirt smelled so good when I got home, it was just rad. It might be a while before I wash it again. The Hiliter rules, just ass everywhere. and if I've said it before, I'll say it again, I'm a big fan of ASS. Love you guys who are stoping by, please email me back some feedback, just want to know who's out there.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=schmegma

I'm having a fairly decent day thus far. Running out of calls to make. I posted a haiku on a message board:
to a girl
You gave me your love
but only for a minute
now life just sucks balls

Day 1016 - I woke up with this overwelming feeling of loneliness and dispar again. I really hate it. It's a rather dibilitating pain. I had a really good night. I do well when I'm around people and even relaxing at the end of the day, but when I wake up I'm just totally fucked up. I got on my knees (something I don't normally do when I pray) but I just hurt so bad. I don't want to cry at work, but seems to be the case. Pit of emptiness I feel inside, just go the fuck away. For real, I don't think this is very fair. I understand I shouldn't even be a free man, but emotions don't seem to have a very rational approach to their timing or intensity. Shwew... I am going to get over her. See I know it's not her but the idea of her that really hurts. It's the whole girfriend is a status of success, sex equals love, if you're physically intimate with me I must be someone special in your life. I will trudge on.

Goin to No More Rocks with Jess. Let's see how this goes. Update ya'll later.

I think I just had the coolest lunch ever. I'm on my way to the pool to lay out and all of a sudden 3 or 4 cop cars swarm in and cops jump out with guns drawn on this guy. I just kept right on-a walkin' pay'n no mind. It was awefully strange I tell you. Then I just laid out at the pool and thought, I never had to lay down on the ground all the times I got arrested. At 5' 10" and 150 lbs and all strung out I must not have looked very intimidating. On a side note I must say I now weigh about 195 and can bench 220. I don't look strung out either. Anyway, I got my tan and started to get in touch with the Zen energy around me. It was quite refreshing. Hell things may be looking up for me after all.

Oh, I get it. She emailed me:"
Thank you so much for everything. You ARE a truly wonderful person and a great friend! I just needed to tell you that. Thanks again,". I feel better with us talking. But fuck man, why is it that us nice guys finish last? I still think the Universe is off just a little bit. Just my opinion.

My job sucks right now. I'm not getting ahold of anyone. I'm in my head like a mofo. I did find a cool site while googling for fucknut: www.urbandictionary.com. I just want to go lay out at the pool. I'm going to pray. I don't think I've prayed to much today. Prayer is good. .... .... .... .... Ok. More centered. Talk to me later.

I'm resisting the urge to email her. I'm just going to work on forgetting she even exists. I hope she's doing ok. But I'm just going to have to deal with not knowing untill she wants me too. I know our fling is over, I just need to really and truly accept it and move on. Move on buddy boy.

I do not want to be awake right now. I am not feeling nearly as torn up today as yesterday. I saw her lastnight and she was really messed up. Her mom was beat up by her step dad and all this other drama. She said she wanted to get drunk. I got really greatful. I also thought to myself "see, that's what you get for not wanting me". I mean it's like she through away a winning lottery ticket. The odds of finding a solid guy like me are pretty slim. Now I don't really feal that way about her, I don't want her to hurt. But for some reason, knowing the other person isn't happy makes me feal better. I may be a bit ill in the head. I need to look for a woman who has a good relationship with her family. I bet that will be a good indicator of how dysfunctional she is.

I don't handle rejection very well do I? Hmm.. I wonder if there's anything I can do about that. If you happen to know of any usefull ways of dealing with being turned down let me know. I am going to try to find some information. Off and way to google I go!

Shit fire, leeroy! Ouch. Ouch. Heart ache, bruised ego. I appologize to anyone who has the misfortune of stumbling accross this blog. I'm so damn sad. It just sucks to be like this. We only dated(if you even call it that) for 3 weeks. I've know her less than a month. Shit this hurts. I wan't even dumped, we just didn't get together. I had my hopes up, and got let down. Demn expectations!! I miss my friends right now. I've cried a bit today, I hate the way I look right now too. I look sad. I hate looking at the ground when I walk, and not doing my job very well. I was so excited three weeks ago and now I'm sad. I'm excited about meeting new people though. I know this will get better. But once again, this fucking sucks! I can't wait till I can rant again about cool shit, and things I get all excited and worked up about.

Durring lunch I went and laid out at the pool. It was great. Very nice and relaxing. I felt blessed. Someone like me who get's to live in a nice part of Phoenix, and have a decent job, and I get to sun bathe on my lunch hour. How cool is that?

Every time I get an email or a phone call, I hope it's her. I hope this goes away soon. I'm such a putz.

I'm strating to really enjoy this thing. I just type in my thoughts and feelings and journaling really does help. I never have taken the time to do it before. I'm almost sorry about the things I said about her. I hope she doesn't have to read this. But if she ever does come accross it, I hope she knows it's just me venting. The negative thoughts are just my way of coping with the pain I feal. I really do want her to be happy and ok. I want to be happy and ok. I think affirmations to myself like "God is preparing someone for me, and me for that someone." I have to believe it. I have to. I mean, He has prepared me for many other things in my life, I doubt this would be any different. I don't even need blind faith. I've seen the direction that the Universe has taken me, after the fact. My guides haven't lied to me. Each time I go through these losses and sorrows there is always a valuable lesson and the thing of beauty that remains. With out rain, there are no rainbows. But damn I do hate that fluffy feel good shit right now.

I'm beginning to think my life is some sort of cosmic irony; Divine humor. Strange twists of fate, drawn out periods of pain, followed by blissful serenity. I can't enjoy the hope though while I'm in the muck. I have this large tattoo on my left forarm of a tree with its roots growing out of the Hebrew word Chaim, which means life, also my name in hebrew. The tattoo is beatuful, very much so. But it was excruciating to get. My life is kinda like that, excruciating at times, and then it opens up to a serene calm and beauty. But damn it hurts like Hell right now.

Rejection sucks. That's all there is too it. I don't care what I said last night, I feel like shit today. I know she was a little freak ho, and damn it she came and got me. I mean what the fuck is that all about? She attaches to me, say's shit like "I'm glad we hooked up" and emails me and calls me all the time. And then WHAM, "you're too much". Stupid bitch doesn't want to be loved. Doesn't want some one to care about her. AHHHHHHHHHH, fuck me! I'm trying to get back to work, and hopefully this cathartic whinning will help me get over it. She is a little plump, slutty, flirtatious, emotional issues, probably quite crazy, selfish. I saw a lot of things in her I didn't like, why did I get so attached? I just like the idea of having "someone" and it just sucks. God help me. Give me strength. Remove this burden from my heart and allow me to be in your will.

Well, I worried all weekend about what was going on in her head. The nagging ass question was "who am I to you?" Well, I found out I was just a friend. A freind who got some ass. Ass is good, I'm a big fan of ass. I had hoped that our little affair would have bore more fruit than that, or at least I would have gotten laid a few more times, but all's well that ends well. What the Hell does that mean anyway? Did it end well? It ended, but well? Ahh fuck it. Nothing I can do about it now. The one thing that sucks about having feelings for every girl I sleep with (except for the hooker and the fat one) is that if I use the experience for the spank bank it makes it harder to get over them. Well that's what porn's for anyway, right folks? I try to find solice in the fact that I got some, finnally, and didn't even spend a lot of money. So feelings are hurt, I'm a bit dissapointed, but other than that, I guess we're ok (me and the committe). Well shit folks, I hope someone get's the pleasure of reading this and wonders what the hell I'm babling about. Ain't love grand?

I wonder if anyone is reading this. I gues I could ask you to email me if you are:jon_e5@inorbit.com. I mean if no one sees this am I not just rembling on aimlessly to no one but my self. Well, I guess I do that anyway. Maybe this is a better way to channel all that chaos. hmm...

I woke up today with the whimsical whirlwind of voices telling me how much of a lonely looser I was. What's funny is they disguise thier voices to sound like my own. It took me a few minutes to realize what they were trying to do to me and I was like, "hey assholes, leave me alone for a minute, we just woke up". They backed off a little, but the ad-hoc "Get Howard Laid" committee was up all night and they had some pertinant issues to take up with me.

This is my first post to this dumbass blogger/ public diary. Let's see how much I can feed my ego by posting these musical rantings about how shitty my perfect life is.