Convict, Addict, Alcoholic

Hmm... Well today seems to have been rather unproductive. I managed to go to work, pretend like I accomplished something, was actually of service to my co-workers(need to mention that in sales, being of service to my co-workers and doing nothing to build my own sales is rather retarded), went to the pool at my apartment on my extended lunch break (oh yeah should also mention that my supervisor is out today), and other than that I've spent time doing a little prayer and meditation. I have a lot of fear right now. I'm turning 28 on Thursday, I've never been this old before (keen eye for the obvious, dumbass). I don't live by the "sober" principles that some of my peers from treatment live by. I was never really into their principles, and so a lot of them that have more time sober than me are graduating (after me, why I got out before them I'll never know, maybe they thought to themselves "this is about all we can do with this sick fuck, might as well see what happens if we let him out to the real world", so I get out of treatment after 20 months, and some of these douche bags are sober like 3 and 4 years and just getting out, maybe they're sicker than me, who knows, that's besides the point) The point is I'm scared of what they'll think of me. I like porn and chicken. I like the man show(the old ones with adam and jimmy), I like fucking inanimate objects (hey if chicks can regularly talk about their dildos and battery operated assistants, and they even get to do the running bathwater thing too) I can talk about rubber gloves and other assorted synthetic vaginal substitutes. It all comes down to sex I think anyway. I'm very open and loose (not like that you sickos) and they seem to be very tight and prude. I don't know why I care. I haven't been close to most of these kids ever (and yeah most of them are between 19 and like 22 or so) and the few I was close to I haven't been involved with in almost a year. I've gotten this far with out them so what's the big fucking deal. Last night I hung out with a few and just told them who I was. I hope they can accept me without judgment and prejudice. I hope to be able to accept them in the same ways. I don't care about anything but first things first, being sober is about not dying one day at time. We do this long enough and being sober gets turned into all kinds of other things, that are fine and dandy and great and cool, but when I think about what makes me happy and fills my voids (even in the short term quick fixes) I could really care less. I think anything on top of a pulse is a bonus. When you've been kidnapped, robed at gun point, over $50,000 in debt and locked up for 18 months you get a different perspective on what's really important. I'm not going to live my life wondering about all the I wish I would have done thats. I'm going to regret the things I do, sure, but It's the things I'm to scared to do I'm going to regret more. I don't want to hear, well then aren't you scared to use? Well kinda, but not so much, see I've already been down that road, a lot. So there's no real wondering "I wonder what that'd be like". I know what getting high is like, now I want to experience life, not opinion it.